Do You Really Want Your Kids to Take Care of You?

Do You Really Want Your Kids to Take Care of You?

Nobody loves you quite like your family. Your children and grandchildren want what’s best for you — just as you’ve always wanted for them. But as time goes on and your needs begin to change, it’s worth asking: Is having a family member as your caregiver the best option for everyone? It’s a big responsibility, and one that deserves honest, thoughtful conversation.

Today is a good day to start that conversation.

Many families feel a deep sense of duty. “We take care of our own. Mom and Dad were always there for us — of course, we’ll be there for them.” It’s a nice sentiment. But if you think about it, how do you truly feel about being cared for by an adult child or grandchild? Would you want them to step into that role? Would it be what’s best for your relationship, for their well-being, and your own?

These are important questions. And while there’s no one-size-fits-all answer, what matters most is having open, honest discussions with the people you love.

Who Do You Want to Take Care of You Long-Term?

Most of us will need some form of long-term care as we age, but very few of us believe it, and even fewer talk about it. There’s a big gap between the odds of needing care and how prepared we are for that reality.

The topic makes people uncomfortable. Most families avoid it, hoping it’s a conversation they won’t have to have. A study by Genworth found that 92% of those surveyed have never discussed key long-term care topics with their adult children. Another study found that most adult children would rather talk to their kids about the birds and the bees than have a serious conversation with their parents about the need for care.

But waiting until care is needed can make things harder for everyone. Decisions get tougher, emotions run higher and options may become more limited. That’s why it matters to start the conversation now—while it’s still about hopes, preferences, and possibilities, not just urgent needs. So, talk to your children. Together, you’ll make the best decision for you and your family.

Understanding the Ask

When thinking about caring for aging parents, everyone at the table must understand one another’s expectations.

• Do your plans include staying put in your house and getting the daily support you need from a child or grandchild who lives nearby?
• Does your child want you to make a move and live in their city? Is moving to another city appealing to you?
• Do you think your children understand the challenges and difficulties of being a caregiver on a routine basis?
• Have you talked with other family caregivers about the emotional and physical stress that often accompanies taking on that role?
• Does my child even know how to take care of aging parents?

How Dependent Do You Want to Be?

• Do you want your child to run errands, shop for groceries, and prepare meals?
• How about housekeeping chores like laundry, dishes, and cleaning?
• Do you want to count on your child for all your transportation?
• Are you comfortable asking your child to help you with everyday activities like bathing, dressing, toileting, and changing an adult brief?
• Do you feel like your child has the knowledge and expertise to manage necessary medications, medical equipment, and in-home screenings? Is that a responsibility you want them to shoulder?
• Is your child physically able to lift you?

What Are the Pros/Cons of Living with an Adult Child?

There are benefits to intergenerational living. You can be around your children, perhaps even grandchildren, every day. You could share the cost of living, pool resources, and gain the security of having family close at hand. But no matter how close and loving your relationship is, you may not want to be around your family 24/7. No matter how large the house is, you’ll likely give up some privacy and change the family dynamic.

Before you think about moving in with family, consider these questions:

• Is the entire family excited about the idea? Spouses, partners, children?
• If you have other children, how will they react? Will sibling rivalry rear its head?
• If you don’t like household routines, family behaviors or how things are done, will you be comfortable sharing your point of view?
• If needed, are your children prepared emotionally, physically, and practically to balance their own lives while taking on the responsibilities of caregiving?
• Will the house need renovation or additions – another bedroom, bathroom, or private entrance?
  Who should foot the bill for those expenses? A recent report by the American Seniors Housing Association (ASHA), The Surprising Price of Staying in a House, estimated that modifications like installing walk-in showers or tubs, adding stairlifts, widening doorways for wheelchair access, creating first-floor living spacing, improving lighting and adding safety features to range from $3,000 to $50,000 or more depending on the extend of the changes required. Can you and/or your children cover these potential expenses?

Consider Your Daily Routines

You’ve likely been an empty nester for a while now. You’ve grown accustomed to living life the way you like it – creating your own schedule, eating when you prefer, spending time with friends and family on your own terms. Even though your adult child will want to honor your daily routines and lifestyle, their own family and work commitments are bound to make life a bit of a juggling act.

Think About the Impact of Caregiving

Did you know that because of caregiver difficulties and demands, family caregivers often neglect their well-being? They’re less likely to take preventive health steps, and more likely to miss their doctor’s appointments, health screenings, exercise and a good night’s sleep

You may not need care or support right now, but you never know what the future holds. When caring for aging parents, the demands can take a real toll:

• Emotional: Role reversal, anticipatory grief, guilt, shame, family conflict.
• Financial: Care costs, career disruption, managing benefits/resources.
• Physical: Strain, sleep loss, health risks, neglecting self-care.
• Social: Isolation, marital/family strain, sibling tensions or bonding.

Even if you feel your family says they want to take on the role of caregiving, or feel they should, do they even know how to care for aging parents? Is this the ideal scenario for you? It’s an honest conversation you need to have. And the truth is, starting that conversation is most likely up to you.

Senior Living Communities

As you look forward to the next stage of life, look at all the options available to you. You might discover a choice that’s better than leaning on your children for assistance and care. Senior living communities are designed with you in mind. You can have your private residence without all the hassles (and expenses) that come with owning a house. You’ll have a built-in social network with plenty to do, dining options, and professional assistance at the ready should you ever need it. And with the soaring costs of home care, many find senior living communities cost less than staying at home with home care. A recent study by CareScout indicates that the average cost of home care is $6,483 per month for eight hours of care a day, five days a week. The price rises as the level of care increases.

“The Best Gift My Parents Gave Me”

Many older adults who move to senior living communities quickly discover how much they enjoy the lifestyle, and often say they wish they’d made the move sooner. Their children, relieved of constant worry and comforted by the knowledge that their parents are safe, supported and living well, often say the same thing: “The best gift my parents ever gave me was the peace of mind that came from their decision to move into a senior living community.”

Hear heartfelt, real stories from real residents and their families about their senior living journeys.

Find Community

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Where You Live Matters

Where You Live Matters is powered by the American Seniors Housing Association (ASHA), a respected voice in the senior housing industry. ASHA primarily focuses on legislative and regulatory advocacy, research, and educational opportunities and networking for senior living executives, so they can better understand the needs of older adults across the country.

Additional Sources
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